It has been a few days- I have pretty much taken a step back from everything, and have been focusing on me, and the way I’ve been feeling about various things. I canceled a few get togethers for this upcoming week and I’m just going to focus on why I’ve been feeling the way I have been, and work on a plan to get past it.

I mentioned a mini-meltdown a few days ago. I still can’t add one plus one and get two on this one. I believe that many small factors became much larger than they needed to, and I just had a mini-explosion.

When I feel overloaded, I tend to tuck myself a way, so that I don’t say the wrong thing- something that I will later be sorry I said. This time was no different.

I hide away in the computer room- closed the door, and decided that I would get a second work out in, but wanted to let my food settle a little more before I did. While I was sitting there pondering the rage I was feeling, I hear the familiar sound of a key in the door, and I knew it had to be my mom-in-law.

I had the door closed to the computer room, so I really felt safe. I did know that it would be expected of me to come out and be ‘social’ within moments of her arrival, so I decided to turn on The Biggest Loser, and get busy with my work out.

Within five minutes- the door opened (there was no knock), and in walked my mom-in-law. She wanted to chit-chat while I was working out, and we all know that if you are in that space of having your heart rate up and sweating, that chatting is the last thing you want to do.

I answered her questions short and sweet, hoping that she would leave the computer room, and eventually she did. Unfortunately, she came back 3 MORE TIMES, before I finished the half hour I was doing.

Of course, since my mood was already not the best, I grew more and more angry each and every time the door opened. After all, don’t I have the right to privacy in my own home? Apparently NOT!! I really was LIVID by this time, but I kept it together. I”m going to invest in a lock for that door, though.

Later, when she left- I did express to Marcel my frustration of her barging in my space without even knocking. I find it to be rude, and unacceptable. He didn’t quite understand the big deal, but I hope he will respect my feelings in the future. He said that he would tell her next time that I’ll be out when I’m finished what I’m doing.

Since then, I’ve really been thinking alot about my feelings, and trying to sort through the maze going on in the crawlspace called my head.

I’ve made ‘some’ progress, but I still need to make some more. I hate that I allowed myself to get to this point of frustration, but I know that all things have a purpose, and I’m trying to not only work through this, but to learn something about myself in the process.

One thing for sure, is that I’ve been focusing on others too much- their thoughts, be it negative or positive, their actions, their reactions- the list goes on.

Their STUFF is THEIRS and not mine, so I’m not sure why I have allowed it to become part of my everyday thought process, or why I even care. I do care about people that I love, but the bottom line is- their choices are theirs, their thoughts and words are theirs, and not mine. It’s about them, and my thoughts and feelings are MINE, and just because someone else may compare certain things, doesn’t mean that I have to follow suit.

I’ve been reacting alot with emotion, and part of that could be hormonal, in fact, I’m sure part of it is- but part of it is that I’ve allowed myself to get caught up in someone elses perceptions, when truth is- it’s a perception, an opinion, and it doesn’t make it true. It may be that particular persons truth, but it isn’t necessarily mine- because we all have different life experiences, and that shapes our views and truths. It doesn’t make it wrong- just different.

An example would be- I think a certain type or brand of coffee is the best, and I rave about my experiences with coffee and how this particular type is THE only one.

You have a different opinion- you find other coffees equally as good, but eventually, you start questioning if the one coffee really isn’t the best, because this person is convinced that it is.

Truth is- that coffee may BE the best for THAT PERSON, but it doesn’t mean that’s the case for you. It doesn’t mean that person is wrong- but has different ideas.

So, I’m evaluating my thinking process, and how I’ve allowed things that I KNOW are not true for me, to come into question, because someone else feels so strongly about something else. That is their truth- but it is definitely not mine, thus, creating conflict emotionally. It’s not about who is right or wrong, it’s about what is right for ME.

I also have realized that I’m putting FAR FAR FAR too much focus on this weight loss journey. My life has changed- and some people actually do have a difficult time accepting that and being supportive. I guess, because I try to be supportive of people I expect the same, but again- everyone isn’t me.

I’ve become obsessive, stressed, manic- insane- all over this process- focusing on the scales, and not on what’s happening with my body. I’ve got to learn how to change that, and make it work to my advantage. Quitting or giving up is not an option- it never has been. It’s all about finding the right balance, and I have been struggling with that lately- again, because I’ve allowed other peoples thoughts, opinions, and influences to cloud my vision. It isn’t their fault- it’s my own for allowing it to happen.

I will find a way over this brick wall that I’ve run into and I know that I’ll come out stronger on the other end.

Right now- I have a half hour left of quiet time before we head to Marcel’s moms for Sunday dinner, so I’m going to enjoy it by sitting outside reading a book and drinking a huge glass of ice water.

Yesterday I had a mini-meltdown. Well, truth is, I’m not sure that you’d even call it a mini-meltdown, but more like an explosion of rage that went off inside me. I was angry, and while I am much better emotionally than I was yesterday, I’m still not where I ‘need’ to be, but I’ll get there.

Yesterday I was actually blind with anger and frustration. Ok, not literally blind in the physical sense, but I felt like a bomb waiting to explode. My heart rate was through the roof, and the elliptical didn’t help, because of certain people not respecting my space. I am definitely going to write about it-but not now, because my bathwater is running and I don’t want to get up on my soapbox and my bathwater run over.

I should have more time tomorrow. Today I did get in an 1 1/2 hour bike ride, and I felt good about it.

As if perfect timing- little things showed up yesterday at just the right moment- a little note from someone i don’t even really know that well that said “Never give up” , and an article in this months O magazine about weight loss being more than watching what you eat- and the mental process. It was encouraging, and I’m going to read it again tomorrow, to let it sink in some more. I know it’s mental- but lately it’s ALL mental for me, and I’m obsessing.

I’ve allowed too many negative factors in my life, and they are growing like wildfire- I will overcome, and I’ll write more about everything tomorrow, but now I’d better run before the water overflows.

For those of you who are stopping in- thank you.

I’m not sure why, but I’m feeling anxiety today about losing weight. I had this awful thought, of what if I stay at the same weight I am for the rest of my life? Granted, I know there are worse things, and the fact that I’ve lost as much as I have is a great thing, but I really want the rest of this weight off, and it seems as though I’m just spinning my wheels.

One moment I feel as though I’m dropping weight, and the next I don’t. It sends me into a whirlwind of a gazillion emotions- and truth is, I don’t like it- I don’t like it one bit, but yet when I find myself ‘in that moment’- I can’t seem to stop feeding myself the negative garbage.

There are times when I feel so alone- I know technically that I’m not alone, but I can’t help it. I feel as though no one really ‘gets’ what I feel, what I think, and sometimes- that makes me want to scream!

I try to add more exercise to the mix- and make sure that I eat the right things. Is it enough? Sometimes I don’t think it is.

I hate these kind of struggles. It’s as though there’s a war going on in my mind, and it’s DRIVING ME CRAZYYY!!

I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.

I won’t. I won’t. I won’t.

I’ve got to figure out something to get past this- emotional roller coaster I’m on these days.

I honestly think the knee issue is not helping matters, but what can I do?

Please Say a Prayer for Me. I need it.

I know it may sound crazy- but I love coming to this site, just so I can look at the layout. I absolutely love, love, love this layout, and am not sure that I can keep it hidden away from the rest of the world. Since I can’t really add wigets to it, I’m not sure if would work on one of my other journals, but it is so ‘me’, more so than the others I am using at my other spaces. We’ll see what happens though- One thing is for sure, I need something different.

Today has been a good day- Marcel and I went for another bike ride, and I did another ‘run’ on the elliptical. I also did a little strength training, but not really enough to write home about. It was something though.

I’ve been feeling a little fluish today, but don’t worry- it isn’t the ‘oink-oink’. I did hesitate on whether I wanted to get on the elliptical, but in the end, I did, because even though it is MY choice, I really do want to see those scales moving in the downward spiral, so I need to make the right choices.

Desere came over tonight for a visit- She called while I was cooking dinner and asked if I had anything going on, and if it would be ok, so she came over for a few hours. It was a good visit- tomorrow morning we’re going to attempt to go to the beach and have lunch at a local beach cafe- not Aloha, because the Queen is coming to Wijk aan Zee (villiage on the sea- name of the town) tomorrow, so we’re pretty sure that it’s going to be too crowded, plus security will be high, and we don’t want to be bothered with all that, so we’re going somewhere else.

I’ve been really emotional lately- I’m not sure why- again, I blame hormones and wonder sometimes if I’m not peri-menapausal- other times I think I’m just crazy.

It’s midnight- and I should have been asleep already, but instead- here I sit pounding out a few words while my bathwater runs. I think that I feel better about everything writing something here daily- even if it’s just a few words about how my day went in terms of exercise and food.

Eating wise- I did well, and I’ve also been doing just as well with my water drinking. I’ve started brewing two tea bags of green tea each evening, and making 1.5 liters of iced green tea from those two bags. I leave it in the fridge overnight, and drink it over the course of the day, along with another 2 or so liters of water. Needless to say, there are moments when I feel as though I’m going to float through the house haha.

The next three days, Marcel is free, so I’m hoping that we’ll be able to get some biking time in. We talked today about packing a picnic and heading off on the bike for several hours. I think that would not only be fun and relaxing, but I can’t help it- I think of almost every activity in terms of how many calories it will burn. Crazy I know. There are days when I feel obsessed, especially lately- but how to find a balance? I don’t know- I may never know.

One thing I do know for sure- is that I will be successful, and WILL reach my goal this year.

So far, I really love this little ‘venting’ place. Of course, it has only been here two days, and even if no one ever darkens these corners of cyberspace, I don’t mind- because I just needed a place to be able to write what I feel, even when it isn’t cheery or upbeat. After all, we all need to have a little verbal vomit from time to time don’t we? (I know, charming thought isn’t it?)

Today has been a good day- I went bike riding with Marcel for an hour (we stopped half way for coffee) in 40mph winds, so what generally is an easy ride for me, actually turned into a cardio exercise, and while it wasn’t the most pleasant thing while I was doing it, it burned some extra calories and that is what it’s all about- calories in -vs- calories burned.

As of yesterday, I’ve also changed my elliptical work out once again- I usually vary it between three different settings, but one of those was getting to be too easy for me, so I now am using the top two and ‘running’ the entire time, which is a definite difference than what I was doing. The extra bit of resistance and the fact that I’m trying to keep it above a 6.5 mph ‘run’ is making a huge difference in the way I feel, and hopefully it will eventually make a difference on the scale.

I know I need to be doing more- but I’ll admit, it’s difficult when the only person pushing you, is you!

Marcel knows someone he works with who owns a small gym, and he was telling me that the guy worked as a personal trainer for some lady who works in the work cafe, and that she’s lost alot of weight. He’s going to ask the guy if he has time if he’d be willing to be my personal trainer several times in a week. It’s not that I don’t know what to do, but I really NEED someone to push me beyond the limits that I’ve set for myself, and I know that Marcel will never be the one to do that- it isn’t in him.

There are days when I control the food- and other days when I would almost bet that the food is controling me. It’s those days when I am the most frustrated at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who happens in my path.

This journey isn’t easy- and anyone who says it is, is a liar- plain and simple.

It’s not JUST about making healthy choices, and exercising- in fact, I would say it’s more a mind factor than anything else, and that is the part that sometimes makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.

In addition to eating right and exercising- I also need to make sure that I eat enough of certain things, such as protein to make sure that it helps with building lean muscle mass- plus I need to make sure that I get enough sleep- I also need to make sure that my stress levels stay in check- – – all factors which play a part in whether the scales move downward.

I won’t lie- sometimes it’s maddening. Most of the time it isn’t, but sometimes it is.. just when I think I’ve completely reprogrammed my way of thinking, I find out that I’m wrong.

I’ll get there though- I know I will.

Earlier today, I was emailing my dear friend Charmie, and I decided that I really needed a place to write about this journey I’m on. A place away from the hustle and bustle- a place that while not private, it’s also not widely publicized. If you are one who found this site by happenstance, welcome.

I need a place not only to write about this journey I’m on, but sometimes to purge various feelings or thoughts that I’m having- away from those who may be hurt from the feelings I have from time to time, although they aren’t felt with an intention to upset or hurt anyone- they are my feelings, and nothing more.

Mom, Charmie, Maggs, and a very few others have been sweet enough to listen to me on those days when I’m feeling a little deflated and just need to vent, but I knew it would be better for me to have a place to write it all out, a place I can refer back to at any given time, and see the progress that I’ve made, or determine what may trigger me to have certain moods or feelings.

I blame alot on hormones, but I know that can’t always be the case.

If you happen to venture into this space uninvited, you are welcome to stay and read at your own risk. Know this- nothing in this space is written with malice, but sometimes when I need to purge- this is where I’ll do it.

I can count on one hand the people I’m going to actually give this url to, and if I don’t want someone here, rest assured, I’ll ban their IP and any other IP they try to access this space from.

I know- it sounds hard and cruel, and it may even sound like that I’m going to be sharing National Secrets here, but it’s important to me to keep this space the way I want it to be- Not only a positive and inspiring place for me, but also a safe haven where I know I can come and express myself without fear of judgement or accusation- it’s a place that’s all about me, for me. I need it-

For the few of you who have personally been invited on this journey with me- I thank you for being a part of my life, and for sharing this journey that has made and continues to make such a huge impact on my life.

Hang on- the road could get a little bumpy, but I’m honored that you’ve chosen to ride along with me, to be my not only my companions, but more importantly, my friends.