It has been a few days- I have pretty much taken a step back from everything, and have been focusing on me, and the way I’ve been feeling about various things. I canceled a few get togethers for this upcoming week and I’m just going to focus on why I’ve been feeling the way I have been, and work on a plan to get past it.

I mentioned a mini-meltdown a few days ago. I still can’t add one plus one and get two on this one. I believe that many small factors became much larger than they needed to, and I just had a mini-explosion.

When I feel overloaded, I tend to tuck myself a way, so that I don’t say the wrong thing- something that I will later be sorry I said. This time was no different.

I hide away in the computer room- closed the door, and decided that I would get a second work out in, but wanted to let my food settle a little more before I did. While I was sitting there pondering the rage I was feeling, I hear the familiar sound of a key in the door, and I knew it had to be my mom-in-law.

I had the door closed to the computer room, so I really felt safe. I did know that it would be expected of me to come out and be ‘social’ within moments of her arrival, so I decided to turn on The Biggest Loser, and get busy with my work out.

Within five minutes- the door opened (there was no knock), and in walked my mom-in-law. She wanted to chit-chat while I was working out, and we all know that if you are in that space of having your heart rate up and sweating, that chatting is the last thing you want to do.

I answered her questions short and sweet, hoping that she would leave the computer room, and eventually she did. Unfortunately, she came back 3 MORE TIMES, before I finished the half hour I was doing.

Of course, since my mood was already not the best, I grew more and more angry each and every time the door opened. After all, don’t I have the right to privacy in my own home? Apparently NOT!! I really was LIVID by this time, but I kept it together. I”m going to invest in a lock for that door, though.

Later, when she left- I did express to Marcel my frustration of her barging in my space without even knocking. I find it to be rude, and unacceptable. He didn’t quite understand the big deal, but I hope he will respect my feelings in the future. He said that he would tell her next time that I’ll be out when I’m finished what I’m doing.

Since then, I’ve really been thinking alot about my feelings, and trying to sort through the maze going on in the crawlspace called my head.

I’ve made ‘some’ progress, but I still need to make some more. I hate that I allowed myself to get to this point of frustration, but I know that all things have a purpose, and I’m trying to not only work through this, but to learn something about myself in the process.

One thing for sure, is that I’ve been focusing on others too much- their thoughts, be it negative or positive, their actions, their reactions- the list goes on.

Their STUFF is THEIRS and not mine, so I’m not sure why I have allowed it to become part of my everyday thought process, or why I even care. I do care about people that I love, but the bottom line is- their choices are theirs, their thoughts and words are theirs, and not mine. It’s about them, and my thoughts and feelings are MINE, and just because someone else may compare certain things, doesn’t mean that I have to follow suit.

I’ve been reacting alot with emotion, and part of that could be hormonal, in fact, I’m sure part of it is- but part of it is that I’ve allowed myself to get caught up in someone elses perceptions, when truth is- it’s a perception, an opinion, and it doesn’t make it true. It may be that particular persons truth, but it isn’t necessarily mine- because we all have different life experiences, and that shapes our views and truths. It doesn’t make it wrong- just different.

An example would be- I think a certain type or brand of coffee is the best, and I rave about my experiences with coffee and how this particular type is THE only one.

You have a different opinion- you find other coffees equally as good, but eventually, you start questioning if the one coffee really isn’t the best, because this person is convinced that it is.

Truth is- that coffee may BE the best for THAT PERSON, but it doesn’t mean that’s the case for you. It doesn’t mean that person is wrong- but has different ideas.

So, I’m evaluating my thinking process, and how I’ve allowed things that I KNOW are not true for me, to come into question, because someone else feels so strongly about something else. That is their truth- but it is definitely not mine, thus, creating conflict emotionally. It’s not about who is right or wrong, it’s about what is right for ME.

I also have realized that I’m putting FAR FAR FAR too much focus on this weight loss journey. My life has changed- and some people actually do have a difficult time accepting that and being supportive. I guess, because I try to be supportive of people I expect the same, but again- everyone isn’t me.

I’ve become obsessive, stressed, manic- insane- all over this process- focusing on the scales, and not on what’s happening with my body. I’ve got to learn how to change that, and make it work to my advantage. Quitting or giving up is not an option- it never has been. It’s all about finding the right balance, and I have been struggling with that lately- again, because I’ve allowed other peoples thoughts, opinions, and influences to cloud my vision. It isn’t their fault- it’s my own for allowing it to happen.

I will find a way over this brick wall that I’ve run into and I know that I’ll come out stronger on the other end.

Right now- I have a half hour left of quiet time before we head to Marcel’s moms for Sunday dinner, so I’m going to enjoy it by sitting outside reading a book and drinking a huge glass of ice water.

Yesterday I had a mini-meltdown. Well, truth is, I’m not sure that you’d even call it a mini-meltdown, but more like an explosion of rage that went off inside me. I was angry, and while I am much better emotionally than I was yesterday, I’m still not where I ‘need’ to be, but I’ll get there.

Yesterday I was actually blind with anger and frustration. Ok, not literally blind in the physical sense, but I felt like a bomb waiting to explode. My heart rate was through the roof, and the elliptical didn’t help, because of certain people not respecting my space. I am definitely going to write about it-but not now, because my bathwater is running and I don’t want to get up on my soapbox and my bathwater run over.

I should have more time tomorrow. Today I did get in an 1 1/2 hour bike ride, and I felt good about it.

As if perfect timing- little things showed up yesterday at just the right moment- a little note from someone i don’t even really know that well that said “Never give up” , and an article in this months O magazine about weight loss being more than watching what you eat- and the mental process. It was encouraging, and I’m going to read it again tomorrow, to let it sink in some more. I know it’s mental- but lately it’s ALL mental for me, and I’m obsessing.

I’ve allowed too many negative factors in my life, and they are growing like wildfire- I will overcome, and I’ll write more about everything tomorrow, but now I’d better run before the water overflows.

For those of you who are stopping in- thank you.

I’m not sure why, but I’m feeling anxiety today about losing weight. I had this awful thought, of what if I stay at the same weight I am for the rest of my life? Granted, I know there are worse things, and the fact that I’ve lost as much as I have is a great thing, but I really want the rest of this weight off, and it seems as though I’m just spinning my wheels.

One moment I feel as though I’m dropping weight, and the next I don’t. It sends me into a whirlwind of a gazillion emotions- and truth is, I don’t like it- I don’t like it one bit, but yet when I find myself ‘in that moment’- I can’t seem to stop feeding myself the negative garbage.

There are times when I feel so alone- I know technically that I’m not alone, but I can’t help it. I feel as though no one really ‘gets’ what I feel, what I think, and sometimes- that makes me want to scream!

I try to add more exercise to the mix- and make sure that I eat the right things. Is it enough? Sometimes I don’t think it is.

I hate these kind of struggles. It’s as though there’s a war going on in my mind, and it’s DRIVING ME CRAZYYY!!

I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.
I won’t be defeated.

I won’t. I won’t. I won’t.

I’ve got to figure out something to get past this- emotional roller coaster I’m on these days.

I honestly think the knee issue is not helping matters, but what can I do?

Please Say a Prayer for Me. I need it.