I know it may sound crazy- but I love coming to this site, just so I can look at the layout. I absolutely love, love, love this layout, and am not sure that I can keep it hidden away from the rest of the world. Since I can’t really add wigets to it, I’m not sure if would work on one of my other journals, but it is so ‘me’, more so than the others I am using at my other spaces. We’ll see what happens though- One thing is for sure, I need something different.

Today has been a good day- Marcel and I went for another bike ride, and I did another ‘run’ on the elliptical. I also did a little strength training, but not really enough to write home about. It was something though.

I’ve been feeling a little fluish today, but don’t worry- it isn’t the ‘oink-oink’. I did hesitate on whether I wanted to get on the elliptical, but in the end, I did, because even though it is MY choice, I really do want to see those scales moving in the downward spiral, so I need to make the right choices.

Desere came over tonight for a visit- She called while I was cooking dinner and asked if I had anything going on, and if it would be ok, so she came over for a few hours. It was a good visit- tomorrow morning we’re going to attempt to go to the beach and have lunch at a local beach cafe- not Aloha, because the Queen is coming to Wijk aan Zee (villiage on the sea- name of the town) tomorrow, so we’re pretty sure that it’s going to be too crowded, plus security will be high, and we don’t want to be bothered with all that, so we’re going somewhere else.

I’ve been really emotional lately- I’m not sure why- again, I blame hormones and wonder sometimes if I’m not peri-menapausal- other times I think I’m just crazy.

It’s midnight- and I should have been asleep already, but instead- here I sit pounding out a few words while my bathwater runs. I think that I feel better about everything writing something here daily- even if it’s just a few words about how my day went in terms of exercise and food.

Eating wise- I did well, and I’ve also been doing just as well with my water drinking. I’ve started brewing two tea bags of green tea each evening, and making 1.5 liters of iced green tea from those two bags. I leave it in the fridge overnight, and drink it over the course of the day, along with another 2 or so liters of water. Needless to say, there are moments when I feel as though I’m going to float through the house haha.

The next three days, Marcel is free, so I’m hoping that we’ll be able to get some biking time in. We talked today about packing a picnic and heading off on the bike for several hours. I think that would not only be fun and relaxing, but I can’t help it- I think of almost every activity in terms of how many calories it will burn. Crazy I know. There are days when I feel obsessed, especially lately- but how to find a balance? I don’t know- I may never know.

One thing I do know for sure- is that I will be successful, and WILL reach my goal this year.

So far, I really love this little ‘venting’ place. Of course, it has only been here two days, and even if no one ever darkens these corners of cyberspace, I don’t mind- because I just needed a place to be able to write what I feel, even when it isn’t cheery or upbeat. After all, we all need to have a little verbal vomit from time to time don’t we? (I know, charming thought isn’t it?)

Today has been a good day- I went bike riding with Marcel for an hour (we stopped half way for coffee) in 40mph winds, so what generally is an easy ride for me, actually turned into a cardio exercise, and while it wasn’t the most pleasant thing while I was doing it, it burned some extra calories and that is what it’s all about- calories in -vs- calories burned.

As of yesterday, I’ve also changed my elliptical work out once again- I usually vary it between three different settings, but one of those was getting to be too easy for me, so I now am using the top two and ‘running’ the entire time, which is a definite difference than what I was doing. The extra bit of resistance and the fact that I’m trying to keep it above a 6.5 mph ‘run’ is making a huge difference in the way I feel, and hopefully it will eventually make a difference on the scale.

I know I need to be doing more- but I’ll admit, it’s difficult when the only person pushing you, is you!

Marcel knows someone he works with who owns a small gym, and he was telling me that the guy worked as a personal trainer for some lady who works in the work cafe, and that she’s lost alot of weight. He’s going to ask the guy if he has time if he’d be willing to be my personal trainer several times in a week. It’s not that I don’t know what to do, but I really NEED someone to push me beyond the limits that I’ve set for myself, and I know that Marcel will never be the one to do that- it isn’t in him.

There are days when I control the food- and other days when I would almost bet that the food is controling me. It’s those days when I am the most frustrated at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who happens in my path.

This journey isn’t easy- and anyone who says it is, is a liar- plain and simple.

It’s not JUST about making healthy choices, and exercising- in fact, I would say it’s more a mind factor than anything else, and that is the part that sometimes makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.

In addition to eating right and exercising- I also need to make sure that I eat enough of certain things, such as protein to make sure that it helps with building lean muscle mass- plus I need to make sure that I get enough sleep- I also need to make sure that my stress levels stay in check- – – all factors which play a part in whether the scales move downward.

I won’t lie- sometimes it’s maddening. Most of the time it isn’t, but sometimes it is.. just when I think I’ve completely reprogrammed my way of thinking, I find out that I’m wrong.

I’ll get there though- I know I will.

Earlier today, I was emailing my dear friend Charmie, and I decided that I really needed a place to write about this journey I’m on. A place away from the hustle and bustle- a place that while not private, it’s also not widely publicized. If you are one who found this site by happenstance, welcome.

I need a place not only to write about this journey I’m on, but sometimes to purge various feelings or thoughts that I’m having- away from those who may be hurt from the feelings I have from time to time, although they aren’t felt with an intention to upset or hurt anyone- they are my feelings, and nothing more.

Mom, Charmie, Maggs, and a very few others have been sweet enough to listen to me on those days when I’m feeling a little deflated and just need to vent, but I knew it would be better for me to have a place to write it all out, a place I can refer back to at any given time, and see the progress that I’ve made, or determine what may trigger me to have certain moods or feelings.

I blame alot on hormones, but I know that can’t always be the case.

If you happen to venture into this space uninvited, you are welcome to stay and read at your own risk. Know this- nothing in this space is written with malice, but sometimes when I need to purge- this is where I’ll do it.

I can count on one hand the people I’m going to actually give this url to, and if I don’t want someone here, rest assured, I’ll ban their IP and any other IP they try to access this space from.

I know- it sounds hard and cruel, and it may even sound like that I’m going to be sharing National Secrets here, but it’s important to me to keep this space the way I want it to be- Not only a positive and inspiring place for me, but also a safe haven where I know I can come and express myself without fear of judgement or accusation- it’s a place that’s all about me, for me. I need it-

For the few of you who have personally been invited on this journey with me- I thank you for being a part of my life, and for sharing this journey that has made and continues to make such a huge impact on my life.

Hang on- the road could get a little bumpy, but I’m honored that you’ve chosen to ride along with me, to be my not only my companions, but more importantly, my friends.